I feel as if I want to write something today.suddenly out of the blue moon.
So what am I going to write?..Rite now,I feel like there's so many things I want to talk about..there's just so many things that ran through my mind..
It's actually 2 am and I cant seem to sleep as I already slept the whole evening..lol
Now,here i am..alone in my room accompanying by my only netbook while listening to my favourite music..somehow i feel so serene and peaceful..between that I glance through my window and I can see the gigantic but empty kulliyyah of pharmacy building..the building which I was so impressed with when I stepped my foot for the first time in UIA..But somehow the emptiness that fills the bulding make me filled by emptiness too.It shines through the night with its bright light but nobody is in there.Well,I know,its night so that explains why there's no one there.But,it is just not it.Right now,it supposed to be holiday for all university students,but I am stucked here in this room to complete my final block or on the other word,my first year.
So basically,the situation now is that all other student are on holiday except us,the first year medical student.I have no problem with that,seriously.But it would be a problem when your university is far away from home that you can rarely go back home because you dont have enough money to buy the ticket bus and you miss your family like crazy plus there's nothing here which indicates that there's nothing interesting thing to do here.
It's not actually not a big problem.It not worst as you think.But i really miss my family.That's what I have been so tensed about.I really wonder if I can make it for the next 4 years.Thinking of that makes me want to just cry.However the things is not just that.It's more than that.It's the whole thing.
Its frustration and the feeling of being helpless.
Frustrared because i actually believe in someone that appear to look believable,but then it does not turn out to be like that.I am actually surprised for doing such thing.Never in my life I have experienced this kind of feeling.There was a time when I was so sure.I was so confident for what I felt as if there was no way it going to be the other way around.Now i finally realize how naive I was at that time.I blame myself.But I also blame that person.For giving a piece of hope when there's actually none.For that,I secretly feel like I hate that person.It's nothing personal.I did that because I need to do that.I need to hate that person eventhough my heart feels the opposite way.Because if not,I would be sinking into fantasy that does not has the slightest chance to become reality.sigh.huhu.i know.
I wish I can erase the memories or just ignore it.Eventhough,it seems to stick into my mind every minute,every second,I just had enough of it.I have learnt a lot though.But I hate it when it still bothers me.Maybe all I need is time.How much time I will need,i'm still not sure.But i'm getting there and i'm going to do the best i can to get over it.Once there,I want it to be the beginning of everything.I want to open my eyes and see beyond things and people.
Ya Allah,please guide me and strengthen my Iman.Please help me as I am weak.There's no greater love than the love for you,ya Allah.
view of kulliyah of pharmacy building from my window during night
